West Elm, blue, yellow, and self-portraits are themes in the singer's decor aesthetic.
Chloë is riding high with the success of her singles “Treat Me” and “Have Mercy” and it appears she likes to live that way too. In a recent Open Door episode for Agriculture Digest, the singer and actress showed off her Los Angeles high rise with a view that would make anyone jealous.
When you first walk into the apartment, you are hit with a beautiful entryway that features an oil canvas painting of Chloë and her sister Halle Bailey.
“A friend gave me this oil canvas painting of us. We were performing at Global Citizen and I love it so much because it really just shows us in our element and chill and she’s my best friend,” she said. Continuing along the hallway, the 23-year-old stopped and shows off another painting. This one is an abstract painting from her “Have Mercy” video. While she thinks it’s kind of weird to have photos of yourself in your home, she believes you can get away with it if it’s done “artfully and tastefully.”
Shortly after, she highlighted another still from the “Have Mercy” video. This time she was on the roof and she revealed an embarrassing story behind it. “Fun fact, I fell almost off of the roof,” she said. “It was a great experience. I will always remember it. I will never forget that.”
The apartment has two bedrooms, but she converted one of them into her music studio.
There’s no bed in it, but there is a sleeper sofa for when she has people stay the night. The room also has another photo of her and her sister. “I always have her around me because no matter how far or near we are, I just always like having a piece of her with me,” she explained. The studio also has an armoire that is filled with the singer’s handbags.
Chloë’s favorite colors are blue and yellow and you can see those colors throughout her home. But her favorite thing about her home is the view, which is no surprise there. Her apartment has floor-to-ceiling windows in the living area as well as her bedrooms.
Her living room consists of a cozy couch, chairs, and typically a huge whiteboard, which she said she put away because it had her tracklist on it. She also has a massive display of photos that were outtakes from a shoot she did a year ago.
“Not conceited, but I just love it because it’s artful and it’s me,” she laughed. “And whenever I’m in sweatpants and hair-tied and I feel like, eh, I just look at that, I’m like okay, she’s a little somethin’, somethin’.”
She also has LEGOs that she works on, which she said calms her down. The Grown-ish star credited her godmother for designing her living place and giving it an “RB” vibe, which stands for “rich bitch.” That vibe flows into her bedroom with a bed that is “fit for a queen.” “I’m obsessed with my bed. Every time I lay in my bed I feel like a queen. My Godmom did the most amazing job.” Another favorite thing in her bedroom is her hidden shoe rack.
When it comes to her kitchen, Chloë described it as a place where “I don’t cook” due to her busy schedule. However, she does like making smoothies with her Nutribullet.
Last but not least, Chloë took us out to her balcony where we got an up-close and personal view of L.A. She admitted that she likes to sit on her balcony and reflect on her life decisions. “This is where the deep thinking goes down,” she said. “Sometimes have a nice glass of wine. Sometimes just chill out. I love it here.”
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Featured image via Architectural Digest/YouTube
Fall is just around the corner and with the temperatures cooling down there’s nothing more that most of us want to do than just stay inside our warm, cozy homes. One of the many ways to spend the season that gives us pumpkin spiced everything, red and orange scenery, and an excuse to wear chunky sweaters is to cuddle up with a good book. Fortunately, there are several books written by Black women authors coming out in the next few months that will satiate these desires of ours.
In her debut poetry collection for Haymarket Books, writer and poet Diamond Sharp whose work has been featured in publications like Harper’s Bazaar, Poetry Magazine, and Vulture, is expanding her talents in Super Sad Black Girl. Compared to such literary giants such as Lorraine Hansberry, Gwendolyn Brooks, and Langston Hughes, Sharp’s forthcoming book of poetry promises to follow in the legacy of famous Black writers of yesteryears by exploring the thorny topics of race, class, and gender through lyricism.
Founder of The Shani Project and licensed therapist Shani Tran is putting all the knowledge she’s shared on her Tik Tok account, which has nearly 500K followers, into her debut book Dope Therapy. Described as a humorous and compassionate approach to those seeking mental health treatment, Tran offers a guide to anyone who is ready to take the first steps into their healing journey.
Described as an exploration of Black votership through the lens of pop culture figures such as rapper Kanye West, Brandi Collins-Dexter brings her experience as a former organizer with the non-profit Color of Change to write about the relationship between electoral politics and Black culture.
Expected publishing date on: September 20, 2022
Romance novelist Denise Williams is back once again with another book that is guaranteed to make you laugh and swoon at the same time. In Do You Take This Man, divorce attorney RJ is led down an unexpected career path of becoming a highly sought after wedding officiant after a video of her officiating a wedding goes viral. Through this new career shift, she butts heads with a wedding planner. In this classic enemies-to-lovers plot, love and hilarity ensue.
Expected publishing date on: September 6, 2022
Recieving early praise from people like actress Gabrielle Union, journalist Tamron Hall, and writer Joan Morgan, Ride or Die: A Feminist Manifesto for the Well-Being of Black Women unpacks the hip hop trope of the unquestionably faithful Black woman that author and professor Shanita Hubbard argues only becomes problematic when done “indiscrimnately.” Bringing together her years of expertise and writing on hip hop and feminism, Hubbard’s forthcoming book unpacks the emotional toll and burden that comes with the expectation of Black women’s undying loyalty.
Expected publishing date on: November 8, 2022
Kendrick Lamar is one of hip-hop’s biggest enigmas. Since his debut album, good kid, m.A.A.d city, he has become one of the top figures in hip-hop and one of the most respected rhymers. However, outside of his music, he keeps his life private. In an interview with Citizen Magazine, the Compton-born MC gave readers insight into his way of thinking and why he prefers to move in silence.
“I’ve always been a person that really didn’t dive too headfirst into wanting and needing attention. I mean, we all love attention, but for me, I don’t necessarily adore it. I use it when I want to communicate something,” he said. “The person that people see now is the person that I’ve always been. For me, the privacy thing has never been an issue that I had to carry out with full intention. It’s just who I am. If I feel I have to remove myself, I just remove myself. I won’t complain about it. I won’t cause a big blow-up or a big stir and let the world know that the walls are closing in.”
The Grammy award winner explained that he has worked on himself and invested in himself so much to the point where he barely acknowledges his celebrity. And so, when he sees other celebrities act out due to the pressure of fame, he gives them grace.
“Being able to be aware [of myself emotionally] and be able to eventually grow— emotionally mature to that level, it may take more time than the next man,” he said. “That’s why I never point fingers when artists are not capable of upholding themselves in that type of stressful position because some people grow different and it takes time especially…when who they are and who they want to be sometimes gets distorted.
“For me, it’s all about being aware of how I’m feeling. If it is too much, let me remove myself for a couple of years.”
His ability to stay the same person before fame and manage his private life is rooted in his self-awareness and wanting to grow in his manhood. But it’s not always perfect. There are times when he has to be in people’s faces outside of performances such as interviews and while he may not speak on internal conflicts within his relationship with his high school sweetheart and mother of his two kids, with his label, or with other rappers, negative stories still find their way into the forefront.
“You just got to be real and be true to yourself about what you want. Do you want that attention? Do you want that type of notoriety? Do you want that type of headache? Can you deal with it?” He asked.
“For me, I knew as an artist when I signed up for it, this is what comes with it. And me being a realist and holding myself accountable to that, it never really frustrated me when things got a little bit out of control because ultimately, I knew that I would be able to balance it because of who I am.”
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Featured image by Antony Jones/Getty Images for Spotify
This post is in partnership with Ulta Beauty.
Gone are the days where we prioritize “the grind” over our own wellbeing. #Teamnosleep is canceled. Millennial women are prioritizing themselves and their rest above all else, and we love to see it. We’re seeing proof of this powerful shift everywhere we look, but especially in the #softlife hashtag that’s been trending all over social media. The soft life movement is all about pursuing the path of least resistance, choosing ease over struggle, and relaxing in your vulnerability.
xoNecole and Ulta Beauty have identified six beauty influencers who are fully embracing the “soft life.” They’re rejecting the notion that their worth is measured by their professional output, how many followers they have, or how hard they’re hustling. Each of these creative powerhouses has learned to make self-care a non-negotiable in their lives while walking into the fullness of their most authentic selves. There will always be a demand for more content amidst the ever-changing algorithms, but as influencers like Tiffany Renee, Caitlyn Davis, and Alanna Doherty know all too well, you can’t properly show up for others until you fully show up for yourself first.
Read all about how these six beauty influencers are approaching the soft life on their own terms.
Can’t live without products:primer, micellar water, and curl cream
As a full-time content creator and founder of the college clothing label HBCU Yearbook, Caitlyn Davis is no stranger to hard work. She started gaining followers while attending undergrad at FAMU, filming natural hair tutorials for YouTube in her dorm room. From there, she steadily picked up ambassador gigs for popular online fashion and beauty brands. “[They were] paying us around $300 a month,” she remembers. “I thought I was doing something with my money. I was like, ‘What? I'm getting paid to do something that I love?’ It became a snowball effect.”
After linking up with a cousin who had just become a makeup artist, Caitlyn fell in love with the idea of creating beauty content. “Beauty just elevates your personality,” she tells xoNecole. “And because it does that, you just feel better about yourself. And when you do that and show other people and they start learning and getting better at makeup and beauty, their personality and confidence starts to elevate as well.”
Caitlyn admits that maintaining a healthy work-life balance doesn’t come easy for her. She’s a self-proclaimed workaholic who takes pride in her business. “[I’ve learned] the soft life is working hard for what you want but knowing we're deserving of the best life has to offer, including rest.” When life gets overwhelming, she turns to the great outdoors. “I go on hikes,” she says. “There’s something about being in nature, being grounded, hearing birds, the trees moving, and water [flowing] that immediately de-stresses me."
Can’t live without products:brow pencil, leave-in conditioner, and vitamin C serum
Tiffany Renee grew up on a farm in Tennessee, where her first introduction to the world of beauty and fashion came via Tyra Banks. The smizing supermodel’s competition series “America’s Next Top Model” drew this southern girl in. “Beauty wasn't really a thing [in the environment I grew up in],” she says. “So I've got to give it to Tyra. A lot of my posing and wearing my makeup a certain way had a lot to do with Tyra and how she coached those models. As I got older and started experimenting more with makeup, I just grew to love it more and more.” Tiffany says she sharpened her makeup skills by learning one thing at a time, starting with winged eyeliner. Next brows, and then lashes. Along the way, she made it a point to develop the techniques that worked for her face rather than copying and pasting from YouTube tutorials.
After moving to Atlanta in 2012, Tiffany began to rack up followers on Instagram with her beauty, hair, and fashion content. She even created an online community called “Curl Gang,” which celebrates the beauty and versatility of natural hair. With all she’s accomplished, Tiffany says she’s most proud of shedding her tough exterior and learning to be vulnerable. “My life has been pretty tough, so that made me a tough woman,” she tells xoNecole. “In my relationships, I've always had this tough persona on the outside, but really, I'm internally very much a soft person.
“For me, taking on the soft life was doing the work to break that mold, and accept that it's okay to be vulnerable,” she continues. “It's okay to be expressive. It's okay to love people. It's not just about the tasks of my life, but more so about my well-being. I’m actively deciding not to hold onto things that make me [have to] be tough.”
For self-care, Tiffany likes to pour herself a nice glass of wine and, if all else fails, throw on a quick beat. “I definitely tap into the motto that if you look good, you feel good.”
Can’t live without products: red lipstick, clip-in extensions, and moisturizer
They say if you love what you do, you’ll never work a day in your life. Kinya Claiborne is living proof. This lifestyle influencer has a professional resume that would make any recruiter salivate. She’s worked in print, television, and radio, and has even overseen public relations for billion-dollar projects. But like all creatives at heart, there came a point in her career where she felt a calling elsewhere. “My job wasn't sexy,” she admits. “I still loved my job and I loved working in corporate America, but there was a void. There were other things that I also loved that my job wasn't fulfilling.”
Inspired by the DailyCandy newsletters she used to read in college, Kinya launched her own lifestyle magazine called Style & Society which covers fashion, beauty, health, wellness, entertainment, travel - all the things Kinya loves. What started as a creative outlet turned into a booming business. Her readers wanted to know more about her, which led her to posting photos of herself inside her stories. “I started Style & Society back in 2013. The term influencer didn't exist back then. Brands started contacting me and wanting me to do product placements and campaigns. That's how my social media following started growing. Then eventually, the term influencer came about, and at that point, I had already been doing it.”
As you can tell from her Instagram, Kinya is always well put together. Her early beauty memories include getting her hair done at the salon with her mom and wearing different lipstick colors to school. Kinya says she’s always been a girly girl. but she’s as resilient as they come. The Northern Californian survived the Route 91 festival shooting in 2017. She also lost her brother to suicide. From her perspective, being soft isn’t just about pampering yourself, but showing up for those around you. “You can't just look at someone and know how they're feeling,” she says. “It’s so important to check in, because even a phone call, text message, or just saying hello to a stranger could really change their path.”
Can’t live without products:brow pencil, deep conditioner, and moisturizer
For Taylor Winbush, presentation is everything. Embracing that belief has gotten her far. “My mom would always say ‘dress how you want to be treated,’” she says. “She would always dress up to go to the grocery store, making sure her hair was always done, and she was fresh-faced. She taught me that when you look better, you feel better.”
As a dancer and theater performer, Taylor got to hone in on her makeup skills early. “I remember even from a young age, when I used to take ballet classes, they would make you do your makeup way in the back of the mirror to make sure you'd be able to see it [far from the stage].” After moving to Atlanta in 2019 to pursue a career in acting and commercial modeling, Taylor discovered she could book more gigs if she added “content creator” to her resume. As a beauty lover, it came naturally to her, and it’s paid off tenfold.
At the start of the year, Taylor stepped out on faith and decided to work for herself full-time. She acknowledges that it’s a risk, but nothing a little discipline can’t manage. “As long as I'm doing my part, then I truly and firmly believe that God will handle the rest.”
Aside from constantly developing her self-discipline, Taylor says she’s embracing the soft life by taking care of her physical and spiritual temple. “I'm a super giving person, so I would give a lot of my time to friends and family, making sure everyone else is taken care of before me,” she says. “There's a saying that if you help someone build their sandcastle first, then what will you have left to build? I’m learning you have to take care of yourself first in order for you to help someone else.”
Can’t live without products:liquid eyeliner, SPF spray, and satin bonnet
Fashion and beauty haven’t always been a welcoming world for curvy women, but that hasn’t stopped influencer Thamarr Guerrier from accepting her rightful seat at the table. This bubbly and effervescent content creator started her lifestyle blog, Musings of a Curvy Lady, back in 2012 on her lunch break working as a nurse. “I started [my blog] as a way to promote personal style and beauty in this body of mine,” Thamarr shared on her site. “Visibility matters and you’re going to see me. I’m going to take up all the space and bring my own chair to the table.”
Thamarr’s beauty memories stem all the way back to childhood. “I was obsessed with watching my mother do her hair and makeup in the mirror,” she says. “I played dress-up in her clothes and would sneak and put on her mascara. I just couldn’t wait to be old enough to wear lipstick.”
If you peep her IG feed, you’ll notice Thamarr documents her globetrotting in head-turning looks that will make you want to book a one-way ticket to your nearest island. But it’s actually not her extravagant travel experiences that bring her the most peace. It’s the little things, like sipping a glass of wine during her skincare routine as Kacey Musgraves plays in the background. “After a shower, I always feel a little better, especially after a crummy day,” she tells xoNecole. “It’s also my favorite place to shed a tear or two. After my literal and sometimes emotional cleanse, I feel renewed. I talk positively to myself as I pamper myself with my favorite products. Taking the time and being purposeful as I go.”
Thamarr’s interpretation of “the soft life” is to live and love in a way that makes her inner being the happiest. “If it brings me peace, it’s the soft life for me.”
Can’t live without products:mascara, leave-in conditioner, and SPF
It’s hard not to feel a spark of joy when you browse through Alanna Doherty’s IG page. It’s chock-full of Alanna dressed to the nines in bright psychedelic patterns. Her lush ‘fro bounces back and forth in all its glory as Alanna jams to her favorite tunes. Alanna is happiness personified, but her initial introduction to beauty was quite the opposite. “I started loving makeup and beauty products because I felt they were necessary in order to cover up my insecurities,” she tells xoNecole. “I’m finally starting to truly fall in love with them this year. I no longer need a full face of makeup to make me feel good. I’m perfectly happy going without any at all now, but love that I have the option to play with makeup. It’s more of a creative process now and I LOVE that!”
Alanna’s bold and colorful aesthetic is brave and inspiring. And when it comes to the soft life, she’s honest enough to admit that she’s figuring it out along the way. “For years I’ve been putting my own self-care behind work and I’m now starting to realize its importance in my life,” she says. “I’ve still got a long way to go but ‘the soft life’ to me would be creating the space to focus on myself and taking the time to enjoy it. I see long walks along the beach, spas, more hot yoga, and relaxing on the balcony.”
Featured image courtesy of Tiffany Renee
Once again, we’ve been accosted by discourse about the current state of R&B. Despite his status as an elder statesman in hip hop and R&B, billionaire mogul Diddy decided to take to Twitter last week to ask the public: “Who killed R&B?”
He received many responses, including accusations that the exploitative contracts he had his artists sign played a role in the demise of the genre. Whatever his sincere intentions were, it bears repeating — again — that R&B is alive and well. It may not be as popular on the airwaves as it was in its 90s heydey, and you may have to search a little harder to find it (which is what people probably mean when they say R&B is dead) but there are artists like Ari Lennox, Summer Walker, SZA, Kehlani, Chloe x Halle, Doechii, Jazmine Sullivan, and countless others who continue to hold down the beloved genre.
xoNecole has compiled a list of five up-and-coming artists to know who are making R&B for the new generation of listeners.
With nearly 10 million views on Youtube and 400k+ monthly listeners on Spotify, the Chicago based singer Sonta has cited artists like Mary J. Blige, Lauryn Hill and Beyoncé as influences for her sound. On her song “Flaws and All” that incorporates a sample of Nivea’s “Complicated,” Sonta has deftly brought the early 2000s flavor while maintaining a modern sensibility to her music.
Fans of artists like Kehlani, Mahalia or Joyce Wrice will love London-born artist Tiana Blake. Citing Brandy as one of her main influences, Blake is definitely interested in preserving the R&B of the 90s and 00s. With songs such as the MNEK-produced “Interrupted,” Blake definitely deserves a spot on your R&B playlist.
Earlier this year, Pitchfork rated Amber Mark’s debut album Three Dimensions Deep an eight out of ten, referring to the project as “energetic, lush, and measured.” The singer who split her childhood between Germany, Nepal, India, and then finally New York has brought her eclectic rearing into her experimental and genre pushing music grounded in the R&B genre.
While still in the early stage of her career, Kaywht has already proven to have an immense amount of promise with her song “Pity.” Already the Dallas, Texas based singer and songwriter has amassed over 47K+ monthly listeners on Spotify, accruing a million plus streams on the song “11:30 Interlude” alone. If you haven’t heard the name Kaywht before now, get familiar.
As another one of Toronto, Canada’s great musical exports, Savannah Re’s sultry and silky voice paired with her cool demeanor brings to mind the likes of Aaliyah and early Mary J. Blige. Once described as one of Toronto’s “best-kept secrets,” Re has made her mark on the music world, being named Spotify’s Equal Canada Ambassador, landing a billboard in Time Square, getting a SZA and Timbaland co-sign, and being featured in commercials for Google Pixel — if you aren’t already listening to this Canadian songtress, you are far behind.
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For many of us, the act of mothering occurs in many aspects of our lives and relationships regardless of whether we have children. We birth ideas, we create spaces for others to thrive, and we show up as the best versions of ourselves for the benefit of those around us. It’s no wonder we feel burned out and in dire need of TLC. Our needs for guidance and support don’t disappear the moment we enter adulthood, though. And in a society that encourages us to give everything we have to our responsibilities, it’s even more important to prioritize what we need in order to live our best lives.
Through self-mothering, we have the unique ability to fill our cups in a way that only we can. It is an intentional, selfless act that is rooted in nurturing and advocating for our needs. The route we take may differ from those around us and may look different depending on the season we’re in. But at its core, mothering ourselves is a radical act of self-love that we’re all deserving of.
The women in this feature explore their journey to self-mothering and share the lessons they’ve learned (or had to unlearn) along the way.
*Some responses have been edited for clarity.
Courtesy of L’Oreal Thompson Payton
Self-mothering is about showing yourself the love you need, want, and deserve, even if–especially if–you may not have experienced how you would like to be loved by the mother figure(s) in your life. I observed my mom lean hard into that Strong Black Woman trope and I certainly adopted some of that behavior. But as I’ve gotten older I’ve decided that’s not for me and that’s not the legacy I want to pass down to my own daughter. I am all about embracing softness and courageous vulnerability. I allow myself to cry. I apologize when I hurt people. I’m no longer interested in appearing as if I have it all together. There are no gold medals for pretending to be perfect.
Physically I’m very much into working out, which fills my mental, emotional and spiritual needs–especially Chelsea Jackson Roberts’ gospel flows, slow flows, and restorative yoga classes on Peloton. It’s interesting because I’ll say I don’t believe in 'snapback culture,' etc., and yet I judge my body for not being the same as it was before birth. I’m having a hard time accepting my postpartum body. Of course, I love that it birthed a healthy, happy baby girl. But I don’t love not physically feeling and looking like the old me. So I’m working on that and I remind myself that my daughter literally does not care and that an extra 10-15 pounds don’t make me a different person. I’m still the same LT.
I’m also an avid journaler and I like to meditate when I get the chance. I used the Expectful app when I was pregnant and postpartum. I also love Insight Timer. I have to pour into myself and fill my cup first and foremost so I’m able to pour into others. Nurturing myself has gotten easier with time. I find self-care activities easier to do than the 'real work,' i.e. setting boundaries, saying “no” without explanation or apology, and putting my needs ahead of others as a recovering people-pleaser. I’m working on it in therapy and my husband and sister are constantly reminding me to do less and stop bending over backward for others.
To other women beginning your self-mothering journey, be gentle with yourself. Social media will have you believe you have to complete your journey overnight and that the path is linear. Healing is not linear. There will be relapses. There will be stumbles along the way. What’s important is that you pick yourself up each time. It’s about replacing the negative inner critic with a voice that’s going to encourage you along the way.
Self-mothering is taking the time to realize that I have needs, those needs deserve to be met, and that I don’t have to deal with anyone who undermines or minimizes those needs. Self-mothering looks like showing up for myself in all the ways my mother couldn’t. Not because she did not want to, but because she likely (as I’ve learned being an adult) did not know how. My mother had to, unfortunately, grow up fast. That leaves a massive learning curve when you have children of your own but did not have much of or a safe childhood yourself.
Growing up, she provided space for my aunts and other women in her life that she trusted to be there in ways that she couldn’t. I’ve learned it isn’t uncommon in the Black community for Black women to be there for everyone and people rarely if ever, show up for us. I’ve seen that with my mom, my aunts, and my grandmother figures. And they still give and show up with love, but it’s not for the people who continuously hurt and harm them. So self-mothering can be walking away, but also having uncomfortable conversations because not every situation is cause for just walking away.
Self-mothering is also making space for the things you enjoy. When I was 16, my brothers gave me my first journal. I started taking journaling seriously when I was a 20-year-old intern in Washington, D.C. From there, I’ve stayed fairly consistent. Journaling has always provided a way for me to fully get my feelings out of my head, and sometimes, my heart. Through therapy, and learning from Nedra Tawwab, Dr. Thema Bryant-Davis, Tricia of The Nap Ministry, and Dr. Mariel Buque, I’ve learned to just feel my feelings. For a time I would “save them for later” or repress them. I’ve done a lot of work to not do that.
Another thing I do to meet my needs is read. I read books I want to enjoy and if I don’t enjoy the book I’m reading, I don’t finish it. I spend time with people who I can be myself around and speak candidly with. I visit places and do activities I want to do even if a friend can’t go with me. When I need to sit down or just sleep, I let myself, and I don’t judge myself for it. I always have candles around because it’s a simple way to care for myself during busier weeks.
Nurturing myself has become easier with time. I had to realize regardless of anyone else, I had to show up for myself. When I catch myself going through a rough patch and not caring for myself, I pause to make sure I do. I’ve canceled plans with people just because I noticed I hadn’t shown up for myself in a while. The ones that care, understand. The ones that don’t, I no longer speak to.
I would encourage another woman who is beginning her self-mothering journey to give herself grace. Deprogramming from all the ways that we, especially Black women, are expected to show up in this world takes so much time. Give yourself grace, and be compassionate toward yourself.
I see self-mothering as nurturing yourself with compassion and kindness through whatever healing looks like to you. To bring calm to what may have once been a chaotic spirit. Self-mothering reminds us that we are worthy of love, care, and respect. Initially, I struggled with not seeing culturally-acceptable examples of self-nurturing. Then came mom guilt which felt like a cloud I couldn’t get away from.
Something as simple as spending alone time away from my kids would bring on the guilt. But now, I recognize I can nurture myself in whatever way feels right to me. I know that mom guilt is a liar. Trying my best makes me a good mother. It took therapy, reaching out to my village for help with the kids, remembering how much I wanted my mom to be happy, and knowing my kids want the same for me. Self-mothering isn’t selfish. In order to fully give your kids permission to love themselves, you have to show them how.
I had a strained relationship with my mother in my younger years. I remember my most persistent struggles were with anxiety and anger. These were feelings I could have processed sooner if I had examples of how to nurture myself, or how to set and uphold boundaries. More often than not, I grew up witnessing my mom caring for others more than herself. I watched her struggle to set boundaries for herself that would have allowed her to self-advocate. Though, of course, that’s what we were taught motherhood is all about, right?
It doesn’t come as a surprise considering that she was the eldest daughter and an immigrant raising five children in a foreign country. She did the best with what she knew, but what she may have missed out on was teaching me how to nurture myself. Since it’s easy to experience burnout with everything that adulthood piles on my plate, I started getting very serious about my first love, yoga, for my self-care needs. I practice it weekly, along with talking to a therapist when I reach those valleys that life inevitably brings us through. I’m also quick to speak positively about myself because there is so much life in the tongue.
To me, self-mothering is how you choose to perform motherly actions for yourself. It’s making sure that I’m taking care of myself mentally, physically, and emotionally. The relationship I have with my mother has greatly impacted my life and shaped the way I care for myself. She’s always been there for me pushing me to do my best. In my younger years, I didn’t always like to hear her opinion if it wasn’t parallel to mine. However, I’ve grown up to learn that those opinions came out of concern and experience. My mother lost her mother as a teenager so seeing her as a motherless mother makes me grateful that I have her in my life to share her wisdom with me. In turn, I can share that wisdom with my own daughter.
Fulfilling my needs can be incredibly difficult because sometimes I feel there isn’t enough time in the day. My time set aside for rest dwindled significantly after becoming a mother so sometimes resting is the most simple action I take to care for myself. As for my emotional needs, I took the time to see a therapist and that was incredibly beneficial. I go to church weekly but I feel that my alone time with God, when I’m praying and listening to gospel music, really fulfills a lot of my spiritual needs.
Nurturing myself is not an easy task because I tend to put my needs last. Thankfully, I have a very supportive spouse that reminds me to take time for myself. I recently started working out again to give myself “me time” outside of doing things related to my business and household duties. When I schedule time for myself in my day it’s a lot easier for me to mother myself!
To another woman beginning this journey, I would simply say: don’t forget about yourself. Remember what makes you happy and try to set a schedule to make time for those things. That way you can continue to blossom.
Courtesy of Earlina Green Hamilton
Self-mothering, to me, means to care for yourself like the woman who birthed you would. It is to put yourself first, nurture yourself, look after yourself, fight for yourself and make sure you want the best for yourself.
My mother was a single parent to triplets and two others. She did what she could to provide and establish routines. As a former police detective, she preached safety. “Always look around,” “be aware of your surroundings,” and “lock your doors immediately after getting in the car,” were just a few of her constant sayings. In her later years, she developed diabetes. I saw the toll it took on her body and spirit. Her diagnosis forced me to be aware of my body as I age and not take the gift of health for granted.
For self-care, I work out for my physical needs, journal for my emotional needs, and pray for my spiritual needs. I also don’t allow people to drain or take advantage of me. That’s a big one. Self-nurturing is a necessity so I don’t make excuses when scheduling time for myself. Whether I need a massage, Ayurvedic bodywork, lip wax, or some time at the gym, my husband and I get on the same page and schedule it. I believe that how I care for myself directly reflects how the world cares for me.
I would tell another woman who is beginning her self-mothering journey that she is responsible for herself. It’s no one else’s job to ensure you are adequately adjusted to our ever-changing and chaotic world. Be kind to yourself and look after yourself. Invest in books, people, and resources that constantly inspire you to think outside of your current circumstance. Always have goals for your body, mind, and spirit, and work daily to achieve them.
Self-mothering is the extra care I give myself to replenish my spirit and my soul as I journey through life. I mother myself in ways similar to how my mom raised me, but in different ways too. When I was growing up I used to think my mom was imperfect, I used to fight with her about countless things because she would force me to do things that I didn’t want to do. Now that I’m older, I’m in awe of her because not only do I realize she’s not perfect, she’s human.
She was always present as a mom. She was at every sports event I could remember. Always listened to what her children wanted and was a mediator while raising six girls under one roof. I only ever saw my mom relax on vacation. But at over 30 years old, I give myself so much grace. I carve out time for myself weekly or daily to decompress from the day. It could be in the form of drinking a glass of wine or going for a walk while listening to an audiobook or podcast. This is what I wish I saw my mom do more, but I’m glad I do it for myself.
I’m also truthful with myself and others about my struggles because I was always taught to be strong. I’ve struggled to find the softness. But as I mother myself, I’m learning that letting my guard down in the right presence is healthy. That is true strength. Nurturing others is easy for me because that’s what I’ve been taught to do and that’s what I grew up seeing. Nurturing myself is something I started during the pandemic when I was losing control of my emotions and feeling depressed.
It was the first time in my life I was most vulnerable to the greatest changes in my life. I was used to being on the go. I didn’t take time to show up for myself and to rest. I started pouring into myself by doing things I wanted to do. I started playing tennis again and started saying no when I felt like I spread myself too thin. I started speaking kindly to myself and extending the same grace I so easily give others.
Our days can never be perfect–I think that’s the dream we’ve been sold from inception. But we can learn to be content in the hard times, while we learn to love ourselves a little more. Self-mothering might feel foreign at first but it’s one of the greatest and most beautiful journeys we will ever take.
For me, self-mothering is healing, therapy, and self-reflection. Once that happens I feel like it becomes easier to create boundaries in all areas of life. You can honor your time, space, and emotional well-being without feeling guilty. Creating boundaries has always been my biggest barrier to nurturing myself. I feel so much better as an adult now that I’m not afraid to tell my mom and friends “no.” And because I never wanted anyone to leave me, I wouldn’t leave people or situations.
Therapy taught me that leaving is a form of self-care. It’s also a form of protection. So nurturing myself looks like me not engaging or partaking in anything that’s going to make me vibrate at a low frequency. Nurturing myself also includes working out for my mental and physical health. I have to work out and clear my mind–even if that’s a 20-minute walk outside. I also get my nails done. The world could be burning down and I’m going to get a mani-pedi before we meet the Lord. There is something about looking down at my feet and if they are crusty, it will make my life feel worse!
My mom has always taken care of herself and she taught me to care for myself. We didn’t have tons of money, so we never went to salons growing up. However, my mom always did our hair. She would sit us all on the porch and soak our feet and give us pedicures. She taught me that money didn’t have to get in the way of creating your own care. She taught me that health is the real wealth.
Becoming a mother has taught me to give myself grace. I realize how innocent my girls are by watching them love and live. Teaching them to be gentle with themselves has taught me to be gentle with myself, as well. We all deserve a soft life, and it’s never too late to make it happen for yourself. What I know for myself and what I want my girls to know is this: We can create the lives we want, and we don’t have to wait for someone else.
To another woman who is beginning her self-mothering journey: Go to therapy and learn your triggers. Learn what you’re holding on to from your past. Knowing why you do something helps you to learn what to let go of and what to hold on to. Also, don’t be afraid to spoil yourself. You deserved a childhood of love and protection. If you didn’t get it, now you can give it to yourself endlessly.
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